The Monday Nitro Workrate Report
A weekly look at what did and didn't work on Monday Nitro by Dean Rasmussen
Monday, July 27th, 1998
Golly, that was the worst bundle of shit I've ever fast forwarded through. I
hope Benoit gets back soon and goes to Japan for a few months and takes all
the Cruiserweights with him so I can see a.) see them wrestle in real
wrestling matches for once in a long time, and b.) I can see them make it to
the end of a match without Jim Cornette, Dusty Rhodes, Jerry Lawler and Ole
Anderson booking the MotherFucking Ending so that it sucks dick up to the
money shot. This is gonna be short because I'm sure you want to put this
hideous bowel movement of a wrestling program behind you as quickly as I do.
What Worked
Malenko did the really cool toprope DDT which should have finished off a
pretty match. Then they fucked the whole thing up with the worst Hercules
Hernandez vs Virgil in 1989 finish that I can think of. Boy did that make
this baby take the pipe. Maybe next time they can have Jimmy Hart run out
and throw powder in the ref's eyes and then they can give the belt to
Malenko but take it back from him this weekend on WorldWide because JJ saw
the film. Ken Osmond, Jason Herve, Sandy Scott and Robocop could be the
guest judges in case of a tie. Or Tiny Lister maybe.
What Didn't Work
Arn Anderson came out for some reason and said he REALLY didn't want to
restart the Horsemen- though everybody involved was "Letting it be" and not
actualy bringing it up. Arn Anderson is gonna be on Larry King to once
again announce that he isn't restarting the Horsemen, so please stop asking
him- and he HAD to have his enemies followed by private investigators
because the nWo was threatening to ruin his daughter's wedding. Or maybe
that was the Republicans. I get them all mixed up. I was watching the WNBA
in real time since the K-1 thing was actually the 97 finals that Ollie had
sent me last year.
I didn't watch the Mailman and Jacked 2 The Moon vs Rodzilla and the
Festering Boil On The Ass Of My TV Set when I paid for it over at Tim's.
Hell if I was gonna watch it for free. My ass wasn't in the seat. My ass
was over at ESPN. Lisa Leslie is pretty overrated; MEANWHILE, those
Cleveland Rockers can GO. I hope US wrestling sucks this much dick for the
next couple of months so I can watch Monday Night Football without any
nagging fears of missing ANYTHING. (Actually, RAW was pretty good last
night. McMahon blows out the back of his underwear as Bodacious Bart beats
the living shit out of Dr Death Steve Williams, three time All-American,
former All-Japan Triple Crown Holder and instant legit contender. Oh wait...
DOH! Let the Bart push begin. THE DAYYYY THE STEROIDSSS LET ME DOWNNNNN!!
Oh well, Doc, Big Japan HO!)
Scott Hall sucks. So does Sting. Why do people think that these two can
work at all. They suck. Scott Hall sells like mooonsaultless Terry Funk
and Sting's offense is sub-Scott Putskie-sque. Welcome to the broken condom
of the teenage sex of wrestling.
BANG! DDP and Hogan have a match that is to the entire spectrum of
wrestling what Clara Peller was to Ginger on Gilligan's Island. Actually
that's a horrible thing to say about the late Mrs Peller. This match was to
the entire spectrum of wrestling what a festering scab is when compared to
Dobie Gillis-era Tuesday Weld. WCW is quite the disgrace to it's profession
this fine Monday night.
Duggan and Meng renew their feud from the first Uncensored. Neither of
these guys are very good.
That's enough for now. I await WCWSN and WorldWide to get me back on the I
HEART US Wrestling again. And instead of wasting money of Road Wild
(Steiner vs Steiner? Boy is that gonna suck it till it bleeds), go support
a local indie that actually gives a shit about the Great American Artform
called Professional Wrestling- FUCK THAT! What the hell am I saying?
WRESTLING IS COOLER THAN ANY ART I EVER SAW! AND I WENT TO ART SCHOOL!- and
to start it off, we're roadtripping to see the wonderful OMEGA promotion in
North Carolina Friday. There is good US wrestling. Just not on Monday
nights. Unless OMEGA is running a Monday somewhere.
THERE YOU GO.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.
