The really amazing thing about the Gala Array of Total Shit that is Nitro 90% of the time is that I really don't care enough to get worked up about most of the Shit That Usually Sucks- but then they have LaParka put over that useless no-selling- load-of-shit-Ultimate-Warrior-wannabe-even-shittier-than-Loch-Ness-and-Giant -Kimala-combined Goldberg and then I get a little upset. But usually I could give a shit, because it's American wrestling and most American wrestling really sucks dick- I MEAN REALLY SUCKS DICK- and it REALLY REALLY REALLY SUCKS DICK when compared to even very average wrestling from Japan or Mexico- and Monday nights are a prime selection of some really magnificent offerings of total, do-nothing, know-nothing, useless shit- and I've come to expect for the wrestling to really suck in the big two. And I don't care because- HEY!- I got eighty tapes of REAL GOOD professional wrestling that I haven't EVEN WATCHED yet to go with the 360 other tapes I got laying around here, and that would bother me if I didn't tape Nitro and RAW and had to watch that big mound of shit in real time instead of what I usually do- which is watch ACTUAL GOOD WRESTLING while taping the shit that the WCW and WWF serve up on Mondays and then sift through afterwards for anything that didn't totally blow the beefdart. This week I watched ACTUAL GOOD AMERICAN WRESTLING while Nitro was on- I watched a handheld of Surge and Cham Pain go at it in Wendell, NC and that made me happy. I then watched the New Japan Air Force Wars Commercial tape, which has the stiff-as-living-mother-fudge Kanemoto/Ohtani/ Takaiwa vs Liger/ El Samurai/ Kendo Ka Shin match and THEN I watched Ernest Miller vs Jerry Flynn match on Niteo and laughed WAY out loud. I hadn't laughed that hard in a while, so it worked for me. Those guys kick like a couple of A-1 100% PUSSIES. Get a tape of BattlARTS and see how it's REALLY done, fellas. This was great.

Hey! Rocco Rock has a flashback to when actually took over Sabu's spot as resident spot-machine in ECW after Sabu ditched ECW at the Three-Way Dance to have a what-I'm-sure-was-a-superfantastic double count-out with Gedo in New Japan. Rock does a a somersault plancha and then Raven takes some big bumps to make this quite passable, then Raven jumps on the mic and I crank up the fast-forward.

Chavo and Alex Wright have an AMAZINGLY stiff match. This was really good, right down to the bizarre ending. Alex is looking better than he EVER has and these two should feud because they looked great beating the paste out of each other. If all of Nitro was this good, it wouldn't have gotten the holy dogcrap beaten out of it by RAW. But Hogan sure puts the asses in the seats, they just turn the channel after the asses in the seats figure that all they are gonna do is talk all night, and HELL! Stone Cold kills them in that category over on USA.

Konan and Lenny Lane did a whole lot of wrestling in the ring with Lane going all native on Konan and hitting a batch of Lucha roll-ups so I got no beef with this match. Lane got a lot in and looked pretty good and Konan didn't dog it like he always does.

Booking ruined the Finlay vs Guerrerro match which cheesed me off because I was stoked about a good match between these two. The ending sucked as Chavo saunters into the ring and gets Eddy disqualified. Eddy is one of the few guys who is master of the double knock-out (Benoit/Guerrerro- WCWSN 95, Malenko/Guerrero- Nitro 97) and that would have been a MUCH better way to get them to the end without either putting someone else over so close to a PPV. But they didn't and it sucked.

Booking ruined the Jericho vs Juventud and the fact that our Role Model wasn't afraid to fuck up everything that Juventud tried didn't help. The Paragon of Virtue is great on the mic and good in the ring, but he's not Eddy Guerrerro in the ring yet. Reese vs Juventud is bizarre booking since one good Cruiserweight feud for Juventud could get him to the point of overness that the return of Rey Misterio Jr could be super hot. Guess what.

The DDP match was yet another example of how WCW isn't afraid to let their guys kill their own heat. Piper says, "Being the ICON, I should have a try-out and have these guys nobody has ever heard of come out and we'll take on the nWo at Starrcade!" "Brilliant Roddy! The rubes will LOVE it!" DDP says, "My old friend Raven is here and I'm gonna get him over by getting him in the world's most boring feud ever- UNLESS we can get Benoit to carry all the matches!" "Sounds GREAT! We'll get Benoit out of the way once it gets all heated up! The rubes will never know!" As they say at nCo headquarters, "It's WCW, Jake."

LaParka has had great matches against such august workers as Mysterioso, Universo 2000, and Pentagon, and now he gets served up to that total sack of worthlessness, that wart on the fat ass of the overstuffed hog that is WCW Goldberg. WCW can go fuck itself. I'm glad an equally shitty RAW kicked this shows ass into the ground.

The main was even more horrible than I thought. HEY! Luger! It's a shoulder tackle for God's Sake! No wonder the Allouettes cut your sorry ass. You cannot do ANYTHING.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN!

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