HEY! Benoit and Booker T have been having some pretty fabulous time limit draws and I'm digging it. Booker T was consistent in his selling for the most part, which he wasn't consistent in the Uncensored match which I finally saw yesterday (He was REALLY not afraid to Jarrett the knee by the end despite Eddy beating it senseless. And Fuck Jeff Jarrett for giving the young punk Aguila nothing while putting his own fat sorry ass over. Golly, I haven't even been able to parenthetically talk smack about the worthless Jarrett in months. Feels good....) Benoit is the FREAKIN MACHINE. He is GOOD WRESTLING INCARNATE. He is RES-LOR the God of All Grappling Arts. He is BENOIT- God and Buddha and Allah's FAVORITE WRESTLER. He is the BEST WRESTLER ON EARTH. Except for Misawa and Eddy on really good days. WHIP ASS!

Chavo and KAZ FUH-REEKIN Shiryu Hayashi had a swank little match but I would have liked it more if Eddy was there to tear Chavo a new one for being such a powdered ass pansy with that I Respect You handshake stuff. I mean HELL! It's SHIRYU! He was in Kaientai Deluxe, fer cripes sake! He'd punk your grampa for six bucks. So I was also disappointed in that Shiryu didn't clotheline, draw and quarter the young and gullible Chavito- especially since the two-prong Godhead of KDX- DICK MOTHERFUCKING TOGO and he ultraSWANK MEN'S TEIOH- was beating the crap out of TAKA over on the Ollie station. I'd be WAYYYY up if Ultimo and our man KAZ take on Eddy and Chavito on Spring Stampede- heck! Make it mask and hair vs hair and hair. I'd be stoked.

The Jericho list was NUMBER ONE AND THE BEST. I loved the Dr Seuss reference and the right handed blizzard suplex. They're doing a great job of setting up the Superbrawl bout between he and Malenko with Jericho talking shit about Dean's dead father and I guess they have to have that Jun Akiyama-Triple-Crown title shot for SOMEONE- but IAUKEA?!?!? Isn't there SOMEBODY who's positioned better than THAT? What happened to Juventud? Is that after Malenko gets the belt from Jericho? I can't hate Marty Jannetty because he just works too hard and has wads of talent. I just can't take him seriously.

Disco Inferno and Billy Kidman had a truly beautiful match. DI must study every match Chris Benoit does and emulate everything he does, because he has been showing a lot of BENOIT-THE ULTIMATE GRAPPLING DETROYER influence from a general, harder edge approach all the way down to the corner stompdown into a pose. Kidman just surpassed Mikey Whipwreck in the American Little Guy Who Is Almost As Good As The International Wrestlers Around Him Sweepstakes. This was just a well worked match and the Pile-Driver is still the coolest finisher on earth if protected sufficiently because HEY! we've all had an older brother give us one of those babies and we all know how much that hurts! ZOWIE!

Psicosis and Ultimo Dragon was real sloppy but I don't care. These two RULE so they could be playing parcheesi and I'd still watch. Psicosis against the flock should be good since Psicosis is forty-three times crazier than anyone in that august group of fellas so if they let them apply Raven's Rules to all their matches, Psic could show what made us all fear for his life when watching those Tijuana handhelds back in the day. I hope that UD and Psic vs the Flock doesn't get in the way of UD and Shiryu vs Los Guerrerros though.

Fit Finlay beat the holy piss out of Saturn but he didn't win so I wasn't overly happy about this. Saturn takes a beating like a man and was made to look great by the best guy WCW has at working a good match with anybody- and since Saturn is a pretty good worker this was realy good.

Ah It's Juventud. What else could ya want. El Dandy is still in Roll-On-The-Floor -Point-At-My-Dick old, over rudo mode and it doesn't help him in the WCW- where he doesn't have the history of a thousand great matches to make the nothingness more palatable. It's like if Ric Flair went to Mexico for the first time ever- next week- and nobody had ever heard of him. They'd go, "GOLLY! This guy ain't so good! What's up with those boobies?"

Nash shoots and Waltman Shoots and Hogan shoots and yadda yadda yadda. Waltman can actually work so I gave a shit about what he said. Of course, I'm not reviewing that, so I'll just say that wrestler's who suck that are shooting on the mic is just wasting time for actual wrestlers who can shoot on the mat. Nash sucks and so does Hogan and I wish they would retire and leave me the fu*k alone.

Okay, so it wasn't like his Royal Lardass chokeslammed a bunch of luchadores or anything, but it still sucks whenever the Giant lumbers onto my TV screen, stinking up my entire living room. Plus there was a possibility that one of High Voltage would have exploded all over the ring and the ropes and first six rows or something from the impact. They sure are swollen. Maybe they should get that checked out or somethin. Maybe its an allergy or somethin.

Hey! Piper makes real "funny" gay jokes while a huge, well-hung man stands behind him grimacing. I wept. The Giant should have shot on him or somethin.

Gotdammit! DDP ruins a perfectly great Raven vs BUFF match. BUFF smokes Levy like a cheap cigar by being a better wrestler and by being a better ring presence and by making fun of Raven's stupid gimmick. This was great. BUFF should have beat the crap out of him. HEY! MATCH THEN ANGLE, YA YAHOOS. And- boy!- was DDP assuming the role of Mr Exposition in that TAZ-level chatty ramble. Can a Tommy Dreamer-length yammering babble by the So-Much-Uncooler-Than-BUFF Raven be far behind?!? Can I get NEW batteries for the fast forward of my VCR?!? JUST IN CASE MY OLD ONES DIE!!!????!!!!

NIEDHART vs HENNIG AGAIN!?!!? HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is getting TOO horrible to hate anymore! This is approaching the Tenta vs Bubba or Dave Sullivan vs Bubba level of Irresistible Force Of Stink where you have to watch because its so THOROUGHLY hideous that it becomes transcendent in its sheer weightiness of Utter Turdosity. Hennig vs Davey Boy Smith and they are gonna try to charge me money for it?!? Yeah RIGHT! My ass is SO in the seat.

Goldberg's RASMUSSEN DOESN'T HATE YOUR STINKIN GUTS AS A WRESTLER STREAK ends at...ONE! Back to the same old shit. Of course, Ray Traylor is such a load these days that I could give a crap about him getting bounced around by Ultimate Warrior TWO! ELECTRIC BOOGALOO! Ah, who gives a flying crap? These guys both suck.

Ed "Up Hogan's Ass" Leslie does the worst run-in in the history of run-ins and I'm wondering what's over on RAW. This is SO WWF 1986. It's as if New Japan Juniors, Lucha Libre, ECW, Ric Flair vs Ricky Steamboat, and the Four Horsemen never happened. ZOINKS!

Homophobe Grampa Piper vs Prostate the Size of Montreal's Olympic Stadium Hogan in a WAR TO SETTLE THE SCORE! Eat more fibre, guys. As I fell asleep trying to do my duty as the chief Nitro Whiner on Ollie's page, attempting to watch this mama, I had a VISION- Run-in! (blinking to keep conscious) screwjob! (Dozing off) rolling cradle! Giant Swing! Jeff Jarrett reclines in the corner to rest after doing nothing! Benoit jobs to Leslie after Bootyman hits a devastating kneelift! Hogan's trunks get pulled down showing his overtanned-to-the-point-of-leathery ass! Flair dressed as a woman! Malenko allergic to Vincent's rabbit! Cain comes and pulls the cage door off- it was ALL there! Everything I hate about wrestling! It was like the Ontological Argument of the existence of the Worst Wrestling Match. At least I slept through the Giant coming in to make the big save. Thank GOD.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN!

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