It's Foghat time once again. This week the real deal brings you more
         summations of quality professional wrestling and mixed martial arts. The itch
         your sister can't scratch, Phil Schneider handles some cusp of the century
         All Japan (meanwhile the Last American Virgin Ray Duffy handles himself), The
         Ice Cream Man Phil Rippa attacks some ECW TV which sort of didn't suck(meanwhile Mark Madden's
         fatter brother Dean attacks a quart of Nutter
         Butter) First up this week, the man who is so fly his shit smells like
         Strawberry Ice Cream, Mike Naimark, as he takes on part one of the Universal
         Vale Tudo Fighting (meanwhile the man who's strawberry ice cream smells like
         shit Pete Stein fights the forces of soap). Sit back and enjoy
         cybersurfers.

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         Salutations and huzzah, fellow fight fans! If you're like me, then you know
         that nothing tops off a hard day at work better than a glass of single malt
         Scotch, your favorite Foghat album, and eight frenzied professional
         ass-kickers beating the beejeebers out of each other in the misty jungles of
         lust that are Brazil. But feel free to skip the single malts and even the
         Foghat if need be; one shouldn't let one's musical deprivation or preference
         for lukewarm "Mister Beer" get in the way of this trip to the land where men
         are butch and the women spend an inordinate amount of time in g-strings.
         Unlike my trip to the Florida Keys, which showed quite the opposite trend.

         BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME! On with the show, and what a show we've got! Four of
         North America's most intense MMA'ers go nose-to-nose with four of Brazil's
         Vale Tudo elite in a nationally broadcast sport TV event in a little
         something we like to call.....

         UNIVERSAL VALE TUDO FIGHTING (UVF6)

         I'll just get this out of the way early and mention that between every match,
         smokin' hot Latina mamas in one-piece g-strings parade around the ring with
         cards bearing the name of technique of the participants for each event. I
         can only image the gooey mess that Jerry Lawler would make if he were calling
         these fights; I'd wager the girls on display here are much closer to King
         Jerry's preferred female demographic than Sable and the rest of the WWF
         Cleavage Crew.

         Quarterfinal #1 - Carlao Baretto (1.9M 106Kg, BJJ) v Geza Kalman (1.82M
         130Kg, shoot wrestling)

         Carlao Baretto has to be considered one of the most impressive athletes to
         every come out of the Brazilian fighting world. Tall and lean with long
         limbs and great balance, Baretto adds to his physical gifts with training
         from Carlson Gracie Jr, perhaps the top Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and Vale Tudo
         teacher in Brazil. Geza Kalman is undoubtedly the missing Third Rotten
         Brother, as he resembles Ian and Axl so closely that he could easily waltz
         into any Indy hardcore promotion on the east coast and be mobbed with
         clueless autograph marks. Baretto opens with a lunging punch which Kalman
         ducks and shoots in with a waistlock. Holding on to Baretto's hips, Kalman
         drives Baretto to the ropes with such force that they both tumble over the
         top rope and to the floor! Thank god Bill Watts wasn't on hand! They reset
         in the ring and circle; neither guy has much of a career in boxing
         ahead of them. Baretto lunges again, and Kalman grabs the hips and tries to
         drive Carlao back over the ropes, but this time Baretto expects the bull rush
         and backpeddles sweetly, throwing short punches that score repeatedly on
         Kalman's noggin. Kalman's momentum almost sends him tumbling out of the ring
         as Baretto sidesteps him and continues firing punches. Baretto clinches and
         tries and overhead crucifix, but Kalman?'s beefy shoulders are too wide for
         even Carlao's long arms. Kalman grabs the ropes and uses his ample frame to
         pin Carlao to the ropes while the big Canadian wheezes and gasps for air.
         After the ref breaks the men, Kalman lunges and misses badly; imagine Viscera
         after a couple of flights of stairs, just to give you an image. They grapple
         standing briefly before Kalman, in a last gasp of effort, lifts Baretto
         straight off his feet with a bodyslam-type lift
         and attempt to trow him OVER THE TOP ROPE! Sadly, Kalman is too short and
         too bushed to heave the thrashing Brazilian, and ends up trapped in a corner
         with Baretto's forearm across his throat in a guillotine choke. Kalman waits
         a few seconds before it occurs to him that, HEY, he's feeling a little faint!
         The lack of oxygen jump-starts his enfeebled brain and with one mighty
         effort, Kalman rears back and punches Carlao right in the balls. This just
         pisses Carlao off, so he stands up straight and really cranks on Kalman's
         neck. The Missing Rotten Brother quickly decides to do the job, and taps
         out.
         Winner by submission, CARLAO BARETTO!

         Quarterfinal #2 - Judimar Hypolito (1.86M 93Kg, boxing) v Dan Bobish
         (1.86M 132Kg, wrestling)

         Longtime FogHeads may remember Dan Bobish from his World Fighting Federation
         squash match over Joe "Ghetto Man With the Gold Turban" Charles. Just to
         clear things up, there is no truth to the rumor than the WWF wants to counter
         WCW's signing of Tank Abbott by signing Bobish and giving him the character
         of "Dan Boobish", complete with a giant nipple on his bald head. Who starts
         these rumors, anyways? Five seconds into the match, both men throw right
         hand leads. Both connect. Bobish blinks, and Hypolito goes flying backwards
         like he was hit with a shotgun blast. Bobish follows him to the ropes and
         lands a picturesque combination of a right cross, straight left, and a huge
         right hook that nearly severs poor Judimar's head. The ref stops the fight
         while Hypolito still has a chance of being
         able to feed himself the next day.
         Winner by knockout and meeting Carlao Baretto in the semis, DAN BOBISH!

         Quarterfinal #3 - Ebenezer Braga (1.88M 96Kg, Luta Livre) v Kevin Randleman
         (1.82M 100Kg, wrestling)

         Ebenezer Braga also fights under the names of Ebenezer Fontes and Ebenezer
         Fontes Braga. You can image how long it took me to figure all that out. He's
         a typical excellent Brazilian ground fighter with a slight build and powerful
         guard. Kevin Randleman is a freakin' nut. Its bad enough he's escorted to
         the ring by Mark "Hammerhead" Coleman wearing a Walkman and presumably
         jamming away to some unheard groove (what would YOU listen to before a match
         where you will undoubtedly be rolling around on the ground with a fairly
         hairy Brazilian? Luther Vandross? Lionel Richie? Iron Maiden?), but once
         Randleman enters the ring, he assumes the Rick Steiner "Doggy Style" pose in
         the corner and sits there, huffing and puffing. Randleman is a freestyle
         wrestler, and one of the most amazing physical specimans to ever compete in
         MMA. They start with some weak boxing, but since Braga seems reluctant to
         commit to a punch, Randleman starts
         hot-dogging and taunting Braga with his chin. The crowd sounds like they're
         woofing - could they really be closet Rick Steiner marks? The men clinch and
         grapple standing until Randleman takes Braga down with a waistlock against
         the ropes. Braga quickly leaves the ring, and I stop and rewind my tape too
         see if he was pushed out or rolled out himself. Instead I see that when
         Randleman clinches for the takedown, he reaches down and grabs "Little
         Ebenezer", causing "Big Ebenezer" to wince visibly. Hey, I winced too. As
         Braga climbs back into the ring, Randleman is in one corner yanking off his
         shooto gloves - he's gonna bare-knuckle it, Vale Tudo style! Randleman
         shoots and drives Braga to the ropes again, but can't
         take him down. He wants the double leg, but Ebenezer ain't gonna have none
         of that. For 3-4 minutes they jockey for position until Randleman explodes
         and rips Braga's legs from under him, landing in the guard. Very low in the
         guard, which isn't the place you want to be against a skilled BJJ'er. Braga
         immediately starts rifling punches and elbows to Randleman's exposed head,
         and Kevin desperately tries to figure out why the hell he's in trouble since
         he just knocked his opponent on his ass. MORE ELBOWS! MORE PUNCHES! MORE
         LUMPS on Randleman's shiny dome! Randleman throws some wild punches that
         miss and continues to drive forward with his enormous leg strength. Braga
         ends up outside the ring again. On the restart, Randleman misses a punch but
         follows up by catching the leaning Braga with a flying Goldberg-style tackle
         that Braga sold like a pro, kicking up his heels and everything! Braga
         immediately pulls Randleman into his guard, thus
         preventing the dreaded Jackhammer. Some elbows and fists to the top of
         Randleman's skull, and Braga is being scooted out of the ring by the
         wrestler. Outside the ring Mark Coleman is trying to push Braga back in,
         which draws some good heel heat from the crowd. Braga and Randleman exchange
         punches from the guard, with The Brazilian coming out of the exchange with a
         small cut under his left eye before being shoved to the floor again. On yet
         another restart, the men close and start throwing big punches - Randleman is
         clearly the much stronger of the two, and seems to have a sizable edge in
         handspeed as well, peppering Braga's face with piston-like punches. To his
         credit, Braga fires back with a viscous knee
         strike to the gut and a kidney punch. The men clinch, and on review of the
         tape I can clearly see Kevin Randleman pull....uh...what the hell is that?
         Braga's underwear? Apparently Braga is wearing black underwear under his
         tights, and Randleman is looking to give him a wedgie. Pulling the undies,
         grabbing the balls....Can a thumb up the ass be far behind? The men grapple
         until Randleman lashes out with more strikes, several of which land solidly,
         but Braga throws a few hard shots of his own. After being rocked by a swift
         uppercut, Braga returns with a nasty kneestrike to the jaw that snaps his
         head back, followed by repeated kneestrikes to the ribs. Those Luta Livre
         guys always love that Muay-Thai, don't they? Some great Greco-Roman style
         grappling for position here, until Randleman pushes away from his opponent
         and a brutal three-punch combination that sends Braga straight to the mat
         with his eyes rolled back in his head. The End? As
         Randleman leaps to the ground to finish him, Braga instinctively gets the
         guard and starts throwing elbow strikes, even though you can clearly see his
         head bobbing and eyes rolling from the force of Randleman's blows. THAT'S why
         the Brazilians have been so successful with their technique; anybody else
         would have been easy pickings after such a drubbing. The crowd is totally
         rabid for Braga now; this smaller Brazilian has taken everything that the
         American Adonis can throw at him, and keeps firing back. The ref orders
         another restarts after Braga almost falls to the floor again, and you can
         clearly see Braga's rubbery legs as he walks up the stairs to the ring. He's
         taken a helluva lot of abuse tonight. Randleman attempts some punches, but
         amazingly Braga counters immediately with a right cross followed by a
         standing kick to the ribs! Randleman steps back and spears Braga again,
         taking him down to the mat where he winds up absorbing more elbows and
         punches. You gotta get HIGH in the guard if you want to punch, Mr Wrestler
         sir. Didn't Mark Coleman warn you about that ? Nah, Coleman is too
         busy yelling at some rube in the audience. And he looks PISSED, with
         ropelike veins protruding from what would be his neck, if he had one. In a
         weird moment, Randleman kicks Braga, which draws a loud chorus of boos and
         whistles from the audience because Randleman is wearing wrestling shoes. The
         ref warns him not to
         kick, and Randleman nods before charging into a beautiful straight right on
         the chin from Braga. Randleman doesn't even blink before throwing
         half-a-dozen sharp punches at Braga in the corner, with a few of them
         landing. How Ebenezer, who is built like Sean Waltman, can take this abuse
         and keep coming back is a mystery to me. Randleman now works the body, which
         he should have done 15 minutes ago. Some nice shots to the ribs and gut have
         Braga gasping for air now, and Randleman goes for the kill with an enormous
         uppercut that connects with authority! Braga?'s head is rocked so vigorously
         that the entire front row is showered with sweat, but rather than drop or tap
         out, Braga shows he's got BALLS THE SIZE OF CANTELOPES and actually lands a
         solid kneestrike to the solar plexus followed by a wild left! Randleman
         returns fire with a left-right-left combination that has Braga's head
         flopping around like he'd whizzed on the electric fence! The
         fans are going nuts! Braga counters with an uppercut, but the punch is all
         arm and no technique. Randleman counters with a winging left cross that
         rocks Braga yet again! What is keeping this guy up? They grapple again,
         both men gasping for air when suddenly, without warning, the referee steps in
         and halts the match! Why? Damn my lack of Portuguese, but apparently we've
         reached our 30-minute time limit here! WOW! What a match! Non-stop action
         and groundfighting acumen from start to finish. The judges rule in favor of
         Randleman, which has to be considered a mild surprise. Braga would continue
         to show the kind of guts and technique on display here as he fought all over
         the world, meeting some of the best fighters on any continents and never
         being embarrasses, to the point where he received a
         nomination for the vaunted "DVDVR 1998 Fighter of the Year". But this was
         1997. WINNER BY DECISION, KEVIN RANDLEMAN!

         Quarterfinal Match #4 - Mario Sucata (1.8M 107Kg BJJ) v Big Daddy (1.92M
         118Kg, Freestyle:)

         "Big Daddy" is, of course, Gary "Big Daddy" Goodridge, UFC veteran and world
         arm-wrestling champ. A hulking and ominous figure, Goodridge would be a
         perfect wrestling goon if he weren't so damn erudite in his interviews. Its
         almost funny seeing him try and play the thug. Goodridge steps over the top
         rope into the ring, which must be some kind of record for the shortest man to
         every do so. Sucata shoots for the double-leg, and Big Daddy sprawls with a
         front facelock. They grapple standing to a corner (and DAMN do I hate
         holding MMA events in a boxing ring) and Sucata tries another double-leg.
         This time Big Daddy sprawls and tries to do some fancy amateur wrestling
         reversal, which naturally looks like shit and results in him losing his
         initial advantageous position (briefly having Sucata's back) and ending up
         right where Sucata wants him (all together now), IN THE
         GUARD! Goodridge works some kidney punches, but Sucata is doing a good job
         of keeping Gary's head down near his navel. Big Daddy tries a punch, but
         ends up losing his arm to a Sucata keylock from the guard. Goodridge
         thrashes violently to escape this submission, and ends up rolling over and
         shaking Sucata off him. Sucata is standing while Goodridge suddenly realizes
         that he's on his back on the ground. Quick as a flash, Goodridge grabs the
         bottom rope and pulls his ass out of the ring to a chorus of boos. The men
         circle on the restart, with zero head movement and ponderous footwork. They
         grapple standing as Goodridge holds a facelock against the ropes. At one
         point, Goodridge throws a headbutt....to Sucata's back! The crowd laughs
         audibly, and Goodridge looks chagrined. Looks like a putz is
         more like it, but I like Gary, and I never know who's gonna read this. Big
         Daddy tries for an overhead crucifix, but as soon as his hands are about to
         lock, Sucata drops to the mat to avoid the move. Goodridge ends up with a
         side mount, and Sucata fearlessly rolls over and gives him his back.
         Naturally, Goodridge makes a clueless attempt at a rear-naked choke that
         allows Sucata to stand up easily. Sucata peppers Goodridge with punches now,
         punctuated by a stiff straight left as they grapple to the ropes. Suddenly, I
         notice Goodridge tapping on Sucata's back. HUH? Yep, clear as day, Big
         Daddy turned into a Big Pussy and tapped out after only a couple of minutes
         and little damage. If you put money on him, you're a Big Dummy.
         Winner by tap-out, MARIO SUCATA!

         So the quarterfinals are finished, with the semi brackets shaping up to be
         Carlao Baretto against Dan Bobish, and Kevin Randleman against Mario Sucata.
         This is shaping up to be the biggest UVF in the history of our great sport!
         But...FANS! We're out of time! Be sure to tune back in next week and see
         the thrilling conclusion of this tournament! Can Kevin Randleman recover
         enough stamina to overcome Sucata? Can Baretto overcome an awesome striker
         like Bobish? Will the sultry Latinas show us just a little more skin? You
         don't have to call the hotline to find out, just tune back in to your only
         source for Death Valley Driver goodness.
         DVDVR-Foghat, tellin' ya to have a Slow Ride, and Take it Easy!

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         ECW TV (March 1999)
         (THE OTHER PHIL)

         Phil and I had this long conversation about ECW TV and the good and bad of
         it. It can be sooooooooooo the worst episode of Heat as they have 19 promos
         for pay per views and for videos (Hey, didya' know that you could still buy
         Just Another Night In ECW. If you ask nicely Dean might lend you his copy.)
         Of course, there is also the long-winded Taz interviews, BRUTHA! But when the
         wrestling starts, it can be all sorts of good. This week's episode (which is
         taken from matches at House Party '99) is the perfect example of this.

         The show opens with the Dudley Boyz calling out Public Enemy again. It is an
         interesting promo as their is no Gertner intros and no Dudley cheap heat. Of
         course, they have been reading the ECW guide to giving interviews, as they
         toss the word shoot around like it actually means something. Oh well. This is
         the first part of the segment where the Dudleys mock PE until Grunge and Rock
         finally hit the ring for their two week return before going to the WWF for
         that ill-fated career move.

         Skull Von Krush vs. Sid

         Well, okay. Not every match is going to be good. But this is mercifully short
         with Sid chokeslaming Krush through a table and then using the Let Me Gently
         Place Him On The Mat powerbomb twice. Yipee!

         Super Crazy vs. Tajiri

         You are never going to have any complaints when these two are gracing your
         television screen. This was match two between the two. The first one, from
         Guilty As Charged, was good but it was a flashy spotfest designed more to
         heat up the crowd and show what these two guys could do. This match had
         better transitions and had more solid wrestling to intertwine with the spots.
         (Of course, the third match was really great as they do a extended mat
         sequence that completely baffles that ECW crowd.) The opening seconds of the
         match are to die for as Tajiri hits an over the ringpost tope con hilo, a
         wicked kick to the head and the Tarantula. Super Crazy raises Tajiri and
         spots him with an absolute GORGEOUS Asai Moonsault and an equally beautiful
         Quebrada. Super Crazy then slows things down as he grounds Tajiri by working
         on over his back. The inverted surfboard is nice. The rolling inverted
         surfboard was even better. The Romero Special was the best. Tajiri's only
         answer is to kick, kick, kick for the home team as he blasts away at Super
         Crazy's ear. The two go back and forth a little more and then Tajiri makes
         the fatal mistake of telegraphing a missile dropkick. Super Crazy steps out
         of the way, connects with a powerbomb and then finishes things off with a
         spinning reverse DDT. Super Crazy evens the series up. I was a little disappointed that they didn't tease Tajiri
         going for the Brainbuster (which was his finisher on the PPV). That would have added another element of
         psychology that I would have really dug. But I still have no complaints with this match.

         Taz vs. Shane Douglas

         This match had no business being as decent as it was. I mean I HATE Taz and
         Shane Douglas is not even close to being one of my favorite wrestlers so when
         this two actually have a watchable match that isn't booked 17 ways to Sunday,
         I was shocked. Anyway, the match was supposed to be Taz vs. Chris Candido but
         Candido gets punked by Douglas as payback for when Candido turned on Douglas
         at Guilty As Charged. (Okay, so maybe two ways to Sunday.) Douglas gets on
         the STICK, yammers about giving the fans a real world title match because he
         and Taz were true champions. I think he also mentioned something about there
         never being a real title match in ECW. That's okay fellas, I'll pretend that
         those Whipwreck/Sandman matches never happened. Anyhoo, the really bizarre
         thing is that the two get all amateur to start. The exchange waistlocks,
         schoolboys, etc.. and it could have been more interesting if Shane hadn't
         been wearing a full cast on his right hand. The sequence was nothing
         spectacular but it was so not what you expected that it draws you in.
         Eventually the action spills outside the ring and they start brawling through
         the crowd making their way up towards Joey Styles and Rob Feinstein's Video.
         This leads to the classic moment of Taz crashing through the table and taking
         out all of RF Video's shoot interviews of himself and the 12 Best of Sabu
         tapes. When they move back into the ring things get interesting again. Taz
         kicks out of a belly-to-back at 2 1/2. Taz then slaps the Tazmission on which
         Douglas breaks by bashing the cast into Taz's head a half a dozen times. Taz
         reapplies the Tazmission and then gives Shane a Tazmissionplex through a
         table for a pin. It was a plain as day wrestling match that I did not expect
         to enjoy. Hey, watta you know.

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         All Japan (1999)
         (SCHEINDER)

         Vader v. Kenta Kobashi

         This is the first singles match in their budding feud (which should be
         settled in a Slab of Ribs on a pole match at AJPW Souled Out.) This was also
         Big Leon's first singles match of note in All Japan. They started with the
         big staredown, Kobashi was sporting the head bandage, where Vader busted up
         his eye in a tag match. Shockingly for All Japan they started with some mat
         wrestling, which is the first mat wrestling I can remember since Dory Funk
         Jr. It wasn't Tamura v. Volk Han or anything, but Vader controlled on the
         top, and Kobashi was able to slip in a crossarmbreaker with Vader struggling
         for a rope break, perfectly acceptable Japanese shootstyle mat work and
         something All Japan should really get back to.
         Vader then starts clubbering, hitting some stiff punches, mixed in with some
         WwhiFfs. Vader takes Kobashi to the floor, and hits a lame Big Leslian
         powerbomb, and a mediocre chair shot. When they get back to the ring, Kobashi
         attacks Vader's knee with some dropkicks. Kobashi hits the big DDT, and gets
         Vader in the corner and does his lame chops, which Vader sells like he was
         being hit with a crowbar. Kobashi hits a vertical suplex and a backdrop
         suplex and a nice missile dropkick. Kenta goes up and hits the tub of guts
         moonsault, which he had been building to for the whole match. Vader kicks out
         though and drops him with a lariet. Then Vader hits his bigger tub of guts
         moonsault for a two count. Vader then hits him with a lariet and a Vader bomb
         for the win. Pretty good match defiantly the best Vader
         has looked in years. I was into the mat wrestling which Vader did well (being
         from the AWA and the UWFI respectively), and I liked the race to the
         moonsault psychology. Kenta was less irritating in this then he has been in a
         while, but Vader still hasn't fully acclimated to the All Japan style. His
         stiffness is still hit and miss, as he has gotten all loose from years of
         wrestling the Godfather in Sioux City. He also oversells a lot, flipping and
         flopping at the first sign of contact which I am sure is a reaction to having
         to sell for the hammer like blows of Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Kane, however
         this match did show a lot of potential, and Vader showed he still has the
         athleticism to compete at a world class level. Hopefully he
         will adjust to the style and actually inject some submission and mat work
         into the top level of All Japan.

         Mitsaharu Misawa v. Toshiaki Kawada

         Two of the all time greats battle for the belts, certificates, bowling
         trophies and dry cleaning coupons that make up the triple crown. Kobashi is
         at ring side with a 2lb bag of Doritos and a six pack of ho-hos to do color.
         Kawada and Misawa make their beautiful music together, and put on the kind of
         assured performance that only two of the greats can do. They started with a
         nasty exchange of elbows which Toshiaki gets the worst of, he decides to come
         back with his running kick to the face. Misawa then elbows him out the ring
         and hits his choice elbow-suicida, Misawa takes control in the ring hitting
         elbows and suplexes. The first big offensive transition comes when Misawa
         goes up for a diving elbow and gets caught
         right in the jaw by a jumping kick. Kawada then goes to work hitting multiple
         running kick variations. He attempts his high-angle powerbomb which Misawa
         counters with a rana. He then goes for a German suplex which Misawa blocks
         with some elbows, Kawada tries to loosen him up by hitting a uraken to the
         back of his head. AND TOSHIAKI KAWADA PROVES HE IS THE MOST HARDCORE
         MOTHERFUCKER IN THE WORLD as he breaks his forearm on the back of Misawa's
         head and doesn't even change expressions, I get more upset if I spill salsa
         on my shirt. Kawada just readjusts the bone and goes back to working for the
         German suplex. Kawada starts working over Misawa's leg with some nasty kicks
         to the knee, but Misawa counters with elbows. Misawa hits a Tiger Driver and
         a Tiger Driver '91 but his leg was too hurt to cover. Misawa does a great job
         selling the hurt leg as Kawada goes after it with kicks and a figure four
         (which Kawada does the toothless grin, him and
         Ray's mom must go to the same dentist). He kicks Misawa down in the corner
         and they exchange elbow smashes, with Kawada elbowsmashing him with his
         broken right forearm. Kawada hits his swank brainbuster for a two count, and
         then goes for the high angle powerbomb (the one move that he has been able to
         beat Misawa with) Misawa attempts the rana counter again but Kawada blocks it
         and drops him directly on his head with an unprotected piledriver, in what
         might have been the nasty bump I have ever seen Misawa take. It looked worse
         then the piledriver that broke Austin's neck, Kawada is too exhausted to
         cover immediately so he only get a two count. Misawa tries to hit some final
         elbows, but Kawada hits two high kicks and another big brainbuster for the
         win. Amazing performance from both, which is even more amazing when you
         consider that Kawada wrestled 17 minutes with a
         broken arm and remained as stoic as an ATF agent. This is probably the second
         best Misawa v. Kawada match ever and in the Top Ten All Japan matches ever.
         Sell the house, drown the dog but get your hands on a copy of this tape.

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         In an effort to fumigate ourselves of the abject pessimism and despondence
         that those cheesy eggheads at DVD-Hollandaise are so well known for, we at
         DVD-Foghat proudly introduce:

         @!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!SINGLES GETTIN'
         LUCKY!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!
         'Cause you don't need to go steady to get lucky. No mother jokes, please.

         UFC13 (NAIMARK) - Randy Coutre v Tony Halme

         Most of you will recognize Tony Halme as the WWF's former Ludvig Borgia,
         a hulking 6'5 290lb behemoth who also holds a European Heavyweight boxing
         title with a stagger 10-0 record (big deal; when I boxed at the Allen Park
         Gym in Miami, the current German Heavyweight Champ of the time, Reiner
         Hartmann, was training there for his "big" American debut. I left with the
         conclusion that anyone could win a boxing title in Europe, as long as they
         didn't run out of countries before they ran out of brain cells). Before his
         fight, Halme give one of the alltime great UFC interviews, where he announces
         that his strategy will be to rip an arm or leg out of the socket to make his
         opponent quit. He then claims to have "Balls of Iron", which
         might be the follow-up to "Buns of Steel". Randy Coutre is a Greco-Roman
         wrestler from the RAW (Real American Wrestling) team. The match starts and
         Halme launches a big overhand right, which Coutre ducks. One double-leg
         later, and Halme is flipping on his stomach to avoid punches. A few more
         seconds, and Coutre has the rear-naked choke. I remember watching this live
         and screaming, "Now! Tear his arm out of the socket! NOW! THIS IS THE
         TIME!". Way to go tough guy. I can't even brush my teeth in 30 seconds, and
         you went and got your ass kicked.
         Winner by submission, Randy Coutre!

         MTV'S BEACHBRAWL '99 (THE OTHER PHIL)

         - Hey this was the follow up to the wildly successful Snowbrawl that MTV put on during the winter. That one
         was won by Bryan Adams. This one features Rey Misterio Jr., Kidman, Hugh Morris, Chavo Guerrero Jr.,
         Saturn and Chris Jericho. Raven and Jimmy Hart join Kid
         Rock as commentators. It is a basic battle royal with some random Metal Band
         playing in the background. Morris gets tossed first as a couple of guys team
         up on him. MTV uses this really annoying overhead camera that makes your
         seasick if the stick on the shot too long. Everyone does their signature
         moves during the course of the match, mainly to get over with the drunk
         spring breakers. I know Kidman goes next. (It is funny to note that when this
         was taped, Kidman was the Cruiserweight champ but they aired it the week
         after he lost the belt to Rey. Oh well.) Jericho eliminates Saturn somehow.
         Raven tries his best to comment on the match while Kid Rock drools over the
         Nitro Girls. The final two guys are Rey and Jericho. Jericho wins by dropkick
         Rey off the ropes. Hey, I guess this means he resigned! The trophy
         celebration is cut short as Saturn hits the ring and beats up Jericho and the
         crowd goes mild. Kid Rock then invites everyone to his room to party. If you
         are desperate to watch this, I'm sure someone has it on their permanent tape.
         (Perhaps a big fat guy who lives in Richmond.)

         ULTIMATE STREETFIGHTING (NAIMARK)

         - Two unknowns on a quiet street in broad
         daylight. Since they're both grubbing around on the ground before you can bat
         an eye, you KNOW they're Brazilian. The great thing about this fight is the handheld camera work, and the
         cameraman tries to evade the small handful of observers
         and other obstacles that prevent him from getting a clear shot of the action.
         As the fighters work on the ground, someone turns from the crowd and angrily
         covers the lens of the camera. Shouting is heard, followed by a thud. The
         picture returns after probably three minutes of fumbling, but now the camera
         is on the other side of the fighters and somebody has a torn shirt. Closer
         review of the video reveals that another man has removed his watch or had it
         ripped off during the blackout. The
         man who covered the camera is nowhere to be seen for the rest of this fight,
         which ends when one man bashes the other's face with repeated headbutts from
         inside the guard. I'll bet dollar to donuts that the real ass-whoopins' took
         place off-camera. Damn, I miss all the good stuff.

         @!@!@!@!@!@! Dean Rasmussen Braying Jackass @!@!@!@!@!@!@!

         Dean has developed a cult like following on the Internet with his stupid ~
         and CAPITAL LETTERS being aped by every dipshit with a Raw Report who loves
         talking about ~DEBRA and ~8-BALL. In comparison to his imitators Dean seems
         to be a fountain of information. This faux knowledge is acquired by watching
         hundreds of hours of wrestling in his mom's basement while feeding his Gila
         Monster Angie grub worms and throwing a catnip ball at his Tabby Haley, while
         eating stuffed crust pizza after stuffed crust pizza. Despite his wasted life
         he still has a wide ranging ignorance of professional wrestling. Proof you
         say. FOGHAT brings you proof

         Death Valley Driver Video Review #6
 

         "On a MUCH better note Hisakatsu Ooya wrestles Daisuke Ikeda from BattleArts.
         Ooya is the co-chairman of "Coolest Wrestlers in a Garbage Wrestling
         Organization"
         (Masato Tanaka co-chairs) because he pulled a good match out a BattleArts
         wrestler. Ikeda is pretty intense, as most of those shootstyle types are, and
         does the usual shootstyle drill: kick, knee, go for an cross armbreaker,
         opponent gets to
         the ropes, stand up, kick, knee, go for a knee bar, etc. Ooya stops the
         madness by suplexing the F#CK out of him twice. Ooya is becoming a pro style
         mat fave of mine and he works the half-assed shootstyle that IS BattleArts
         better than any of them do and sells better any of those Pancrase never-weres
         ever could, and does some of the most vicious, Benoitesque suplexes on earth"

         Boy Hisakatsu sure rules, I can't believe he carried that suckass Pancrase
         wannabe Daisuke Ikeda to something watchable. He rules with his funny name
         and all, it has two O's HOW ~COOL IS~ THAT~?
 

         Next Time - The CMLL that should have been reviewed this week. Superstars on the Superstation. Plus the
         MMA debuts of Jerry Flynn, Craig
        Pittman, and Bam Bam Bigelow! Plus the MMA debut of Hulk Hogan if Naimark
         ever catches up with that egoistic dungheap on the beach again. And speaking
         of egoistic dungheaps, remember that the only true source for your video
         review needs, DVD-Foghat, will be returning in two short weeks with the best
         in wrestling and shootstyle! DO NOT be fooled by amateurs and imposters
         flaunting the DVD name! Accept no substitutes! Especially substitutes
         headed by bogus priests and catchphrase-addled Japanophiles who are forced to
         reuse the same jokes between them. They could have ponied up $10 for Milton
         Berle's Secret Joke Files, but they found that the Paulie Shore Standup
         Routines were cheaper. If they get any more derivative, I'm gonna have to
         give them some nasty limericks out of pity.
 

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