#$#$#$#$#$#$ FULL 6-18-98, Korakuen Hall (SAMURAI!)- (POGO PETE STEIN!)
For the uninitiated, FULL is the promotional umbrella Dos Caras runs
his increasingly-sporadic Japan tours under as a sort of revival of
Gran Hamada's old Universal promotion.  The ref for all of the matches
is some American guy who looks like Dennis Coraluzzo's doppleganger...
I'll call him "Fennis" until someone can hip me to his proper ID.

KAZUHIKO MASADA vs. CHINNEN NISHIDA:  IIRC both guys work for Tatsumi
Fujinami's "Dragon Zone" promotion... a lucha show with a strong-style
opening match?  WHO KNEW?  Nishida does throw in a cool spinning
headscissors and attempts to kill himself by completely botching a
pescado, but that's the extent of the excitement in this match.
Masada with a FUBAR'd German Suplex at 6:56, and the crowd is less
than enthused.  "GET THOSE REAL WRESTLERS OUT OF THE RING SO WE CAN
SEE THE MEXICAN ACROBATS WE PAID FOR!"  =P

MANAMI TOYOTA vs. MOMOE NAKANISHI:  Toyota comes out to Chaka Khan's
"I Feel For You"- no jokes, it just had to be said. Momoe's still a
few months away from her beating the vets, and Toyota takes this match
about as seriously as you might expect from her.  The crowd reacts in
kind by giving Momoe NO HEAT WHATSOEVER, not even for her finishers
like the Dragon Suplex.  Toyota with the JO Suplex at 12:43... next!

2/3 FALLS:  EL BRAZO/BRAZO DE PLATINO/BRAZO CIBERNETICO/MOSCO DE LA
MERCED vs. BRAZO DE ORO/BRAZO DE PLATA/SUPER BRAZO/TARZAN BOY:  It's a
Battle of The Brazos because YOU, the people of Japan, asked for it!
Tarzan ("Victor's pool boy!" clapclapclapclapclap) comes out and leads
his opponents in a hoochie-koochie dance so you just know this is
gonna be special.  =D  El Brazo unseats Kendo as World's Most Annoying
Wrestler as his whole schtick consists of yelling "GUERRERO!" at the
crowd and doing a slow burn when they justifiably ignore him for the
most part.  This goes on for FIVE MINUTES before a disgusted Tarzan
tags out, at which point we get the World's Fattest Seven-Dive
Sequence with topes from beefers El, Oro, Cibernetico (the former
Robin Hood) and Plata plus the World's Fattest Orihara Moonsault
courtesy of Platino.  Fall goes to the Original Brazos when Porky
squashes Mosco with a top-rope splash at 6:38.  They work a funny bit
where Porky engages Mosco in a test of strength, only for them to stop
when the Nuevo Brazos try to start a "Mosco! clapclapclap" chant for
him.  Porky goes over and shuts them up, then resumes the test of
strength with Mosco who helpfully remained frozen when Porky walked
off.  Nuevos take the second fall when Cibernetico pins Tarzan with a
Northern Lights suplex at 5:20, then win the match at 6:31 of the
deciding fall when Platino moonsaults Oro for the pin.  The rest of
the match was almost entirely schtick, which I actually kinda dug but
would probably have my more serious cohorts ralphing all over their
keyboards.  Do I have to add that Mosco was essentially wasted here?

UWA WELTERWEIGHT TITLE:  SUPER CRAZY vs. HIT GUZMAN:  Guzman is EMLL's
Kid Guzman... for some reason "Kid" and "Hit" are interchangable.  OK
match consisting of matwork for the first several minutes until Crazy
drops Kid, heads up top and misses the Cancun Tornado.  Kid takes over
with an uranage, some suplexes and a hot Frankenstein but can't put
Crazy away.  He hits a missile dropkick and covers; Crazy apparently
was supposed to reach the ropes here but he's too far away and has to
put up his shoulder.  He's too late, but Fennis lets him get away with
it.  Kid continues the attack until Crazy blocks a Tornado DDT and
comes back with a missile dropkick trifecta.  Kid rolls to the floor,
but Crazy sets him up on a table and kills him dead with an Orihara
moonsault, then rolls him back in and simply pins him with a Liger
Bomb at 15:11 to retain the title.  Anticlimactic finish, and the
crowd doesn't help by sitting on their hands the whole match.

PIERROTH JR/NEGRO CASAS/VILLANO III vs. DOS CARAS/GIANT DOS CARAS/
SICODELICO JR:  Come back, come back!  It isn't Sicodelico- it's his
son!  Actually, think of him as Dos Caras' nephew.  ;)  OK first fall
with the best part being the Old-School-Like-Ringo's-Hair sequence
between V-3 and Dos.  Sicodelico Jr is greener than the Jets' current
QB staff (TURF SUCKS!!!!!) but he's a pretty good worker and gets
carried through some good stuff.  Giant Dos Caras is Shunji Takano/
Giant Zebra.  Negro is Negro.  Pierroth is in the final stages of his
coolness before dropping his mask to La Parka and sucking the chrome
off a Cadillac for good.  Negro takes the first fall with La Magistral
on Sico Jr in 4:46.  Dos evens the match by allowing Negro to take out
Pierroth by accident, then scooping him up and running around the ring
with Negro in a Reverse Gorry Special until he quits at 3:07.  Third
fall has one of those "everyone unlaces the next guy's mask at the
same time" bits which results in Pierroth "accidentally" unmasking
himself as Dos punches him in the stomach while he's trying to relace
his hood.  Sico Jr. shows to be a promising lucha flyer as he hits a
springboard plancha and just about lands in the Korakuen balcony by
overshooting everyone in sight.  After all, you're not a true luchador
until you've attempted public suicide in such a manner.  =)  Dos comes
in and looks to have the match won until Negro unmasks him and Fennis
DQ's the rudos at 3:27 for the match.

GIANT DOS CARAS/HISASHI SHINMA vs. VILLANO III/PIERROTH JR:  Quite the
weird-ass main event, as Dos rips off the WWF by having former New
Japan president Shinma work a match after Pierroth beat up his son the
previous week.  Giant Dos works Pierroth over before tagging Shinma,
and the crowd (former W*iNG fans?) chant "SHINMA!" everytime Grampy
Hisashi chops him, but Pierroth no-sells everything.  Shinma takes
Pierroth down judo-style and actually clamps on a cross-armbreaker
while Giant Dos takes out V-3 with a pescado... and the bell rings!
Crowd goes bonkers, but the timekeeper's screwed up and Pierroth
didn't actually tap.  Pierroth powers out, gives Shinma the World's
Daintiest Tombstone and gets the pin at 5:23.  Pierroth and V-3 then
proceed to put the boots to Shinma until Gran Hamada runs in for the
save.

I have nothing else to say about this show that is either true or
relevant... but Dean is gonna get a copy of the Brazos match come hell
or high water.  ;)
 

!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@ OMEGA Wrestling 3/27/98- HANDHELD (PHIL SCHNEIDER)

Wolverine v. Black Skull: When you hear wrestling cognoscenti bemoan wrestlers who learn to do an Asai moonsault before they learn to run the ropes, they are talking about Black Skull. Skull is a hell of an athlete who can bust out some spectacular highspots, but he can't actually wrestle or anything (actually the last time I saw Black Skull he seemed to be developing some inter-highspot skill, but this tape pre-dates that by almost a year). Wolverine is action adventure star Jeff Hardy in one of his half dozen or so OMEGA gimmicks. Wolverine always seemed a lot less vital, then Willow the Whisp or ½ f the Hardy Boyz Jeff Hardy, I don't know, maybe it was the Dingo Warrior facepaint and bad neon green trunks. Lots of assorted highspotery in this one, with Black Skull hitting a monstrous Tope-con-hilo, a pair of diving headscissors  and a shooting star press. Wolverine was pretty subdued as he confined his offense to the ring, the ending was kind of botched as Jeff blew a stardust press thingy and just had to settle for a  northern lights suplex. Started out hot, but kind of went to hell, although I would much rather see a sloppy Black Skull match then a perfectly worked Julio Sanchez match.

Bobby Burnette v. T.C. Brimstone: Over the last year the collective Death Valley Playboyz have spent a lot of bandwith dissing T.C. Brimstone and his inept attempts to "wrestle", and trust me he's no good. However I have decided to bury the hatchet, T.C. isn't on my TV using his "stroke" to bury more talented workers, he isn't being pushed to the moon because he went hunting with the promoter or taught his kid karate, he isn't a paunchy "legend" desperate to hang on to his pathetic career, he isn't a drug addict or a pederast-   he's just some guy in North Carolina trying to live out his dream and probably doesn't deserve to get shit upon. So I will say nothing bad about Tracy's performance here.  Venom does the Bizzaro world Sid (a big talented wrestler, runs in and squashes two small untalented wrestlers) run-in on this match and punks both guys.

Serial Thrillaz v. Joey Matthews + Christian York: Thrillaz prove the were the top team in the Indy's by dragging the symbols of Independent mediocrity Matthews + York to a great match. York and Matthews (who a representing the invading NWA 2000 group) do some nice double teams, lower the volume on their heel shtick and are quite competent. Shane Helms (who was saddled with the unfortunate moniker Kid Viscous back then) rocks in this per usual, hitting a great twisting uranage and various cool double teams with Maverick. This also might have been the best I have seen Maverick look as he hits a gorgeous spear, sells like a champ for the little guys, and delivers the best U.S. Michinoku Driver II that I have ever seen to get the win.  Matthews turns on York, as another chapter in their long and tangled relationship is written (they do sort of a Bill Dundee + Jerry Lawler thing, in frequency of turns and Memphistian wrestling, they could really use a consultation with Dr. Sydney Basil.)

Venom v. Otto Schwantz: Otto has improved a ton over the last 6-8 months and is a legitimately good worker now.  He really wasn't in March of 1998, but Venom (who is currently Sports Entertaining us as Joey Abs) guides him along to a darn good match. Otto looks a little lost when he is on offense, and he breaks out the iron claw (which he has discarded, thank god), but he bumps like a king for all of Venom's offense, and they work a nice near falls section at the end. I can't say enough good things about Jason Ardnt (and enough bad things about how he is being wasted in a stupid comedy gimmick, clean job to Shane McMahon my left nut sack) he executes a pile of sweet moves in this match, including a missed flying elbow, great powerslam, incredible bridged German Suplex (Otto is legit 280) and a boss Black Tiger Bomb.

Willow the Whisp v. Kid Dynamo: These two have a special kind of chemistry which comes with training and working with each other constantly. Much like Dragon Kid and Judo Suwa, Dynamo and Whisp (who is another alter ego of Sports Entertainer Jeff Hardy) have some spectacular spots which are true combined efforts, both wrestling coalescing their athleticism to do something spectacular. Whisp and Dynamo do a knuckle lock powerbomb reversal which is breathtaking in its grace and complexity, as well as several headscissors combos. This particular match, while being good in comparison to the breadth and scope of all wrestling,
was not as good as other Whisp v. Dynamo matches. A couple of the more complex spots were blown, and the ending involved the ref ripping his shirt off and fighting Willow, then the ref gets distracted by a generic woman, and Willow uses a baking pan shot, to knock Dynamo out, and he slaps on the Texas Cloverleaf. Bunches of great spots and big bumps, but this is the least of the half dozen or so Willow v. Dynamo matches I have seen, and was the start of the bookamania

Cham Pain v. Surge: These are two of my favorite OMEGA workers, but the other singles match I have seen between the two was subpar. The work in this match was good, but it was Heymanized to the fullest extent. Pain came to the ring with the
House of Pain (half a dozen interchangeable guys in suits and a couple of women) and the interfered through out the match. Cham Pain hit his awesome corkscrew plancha and Surge (who is Action Adventurer Matt Hardy) hit a bunch of nice suplexes and took some bumps, but this was booktastic. The end is something like this, Lexy Fife tosses powder at Surge, but misses and hits Cham Pain, then Pain DDT's her because he is blinded. Then Surge hits Cham Pain with a chair. While Pain is down the House of Pain attack Surge, then Cham Pain gets the mike and starts calling Surge, High Voltage (which was Matt Hardy's previous New Frontier Wrestling gimmick) he then says "It's me Sub Zero" (which was Cham Pain's old New Frontier gimmick, he was a baby face named Sub Zero before he got amnesia and turned into evil exotic male dancer Cham Pain, I only know this because Cham told me the whole story behind this angle when we were down in Mexico, so you can imagine how confused the crowd was) Sub Zero/Cham Pain then gets Surge/High Voltage to give him a hug, he then DDT's Surge Voltage on a chair. House of Pain sets up a table on the turnbuckle and a table in the ring. Cham Pain attempts a
superplex put it gets reversed and Surge Liger Bombs him through the table in a sweet spot. Then Bookamania continues as the Duke of New York brings down a mystery NWA 2000 contender, who he reveals to be Sweet Dreams. Which
leads to....

Sweet Dreams v. Surge: Sweet Dreams was the original OMEGA champion but he forfeited the title, he had arrived to get his belt back. Dreams is a darn good classic rudo, who takes big bumps and makes his opponents look good, this was not his best match as it was short and angle driven. Surge dispatches more Interference from Duke and Joey Matthews and pins Dreams with the top rope Quebrada. The locker room comes out to celebrate the OMEGA win over NWA2000, the Serial Thrillaz then get on the mike and complain that no one congratulated them when they beat the NWA2000 team earlier. They the challenged the Hardy Boys to a tag title versus Heavyweight title match, Venom who is Surge's regular
partner, then goes crazy and starts choke slamming everyone including Jeff
Hardy. Surge tries to calm him down but he leaves, then Surge tries to calm
an angry Jeff Hardy and get him to agree to the challenge. I was Sports Entertained. As a whole the show was pretty good with no real weak spots,
the immense amount of booking stained the last third though and made it a
subpar OMEGA event.
 

@#@#@#@#@#@# LLPW “The Biggest Show” Commerical Tape - 7/14/94- (PHIL  RIPPA!)
Wwwwwweeeeeeeeelllllllllllllll!!!!!! It is the Biggest Show!!!!!!!!!! The Lovely Ladies of Professional Wrestling get together and have a pretty neat supercard. We are really hitting the way back machine here. Everyone is younger, still as fat, but younger.

Michiko Omukai vs. Chaparita ASARI (AJW): This match is horribly clipped. They tell me it is 13 minutes long. I saw 3, max. There was some neat little stuff in what I saw. They start a trend that will be continued all night long as EVERYONE does a plancha off the top rope. ASARI gets the honors in this match. I dug ASARI’s hand spring mule kick. Omukai wins with a some sort of top rope Northern Lights Suplex which was fun to watch. Couldn’t tell you how the rest of the match was but what I saw was fine.

Mitsuko Endo/Mikiko Futagami vs. Tomoko Watanabe/Rie Tamada (APW): Has Endo had bad hair ALL of her life? Someone really needs to encourage her to stay away from the clippers. Just when I want to dislike this match and start fast-forwarding, all the girls kick it up a notch and suddenly we have a quaint little match going on. Nothing blown. No one trying wrestle beyond their means. Endo and Futgami do this cool Doctor Bomb/Foot Stomp finisher that ruled because whenever anyone as portly as Endo is hurtling down off the top rope, you know it’s gotta hurt.

Rumi Kazama/Carol Midori/Michiko Nagashima vs. Nurse Nakamura/Miwa Sato/Yukie Nabeno (FMW): Midori brings the wrestling. The other five bring the SUCK! God was this not good. Midori is not going to part the Red Sea and she is not going to be able to carry five wrestlers to a watchable match. Definitely a spotty match especially when everyone wanders around aimless during a looooooonnnnnnnngggggggg high spot train as everyone gets to hit the top rope plancha. This would definitely be falling in the not good category.

Etsuko Mita/Mima Shimoda (AJW) vs. Jenn Yukari/Miki Handa - UWA Tag Titles: The girls from LLPW work WAY over their heads in this one. Handa gets down on her knees and begs to be carried while Yukari pretty much just stays out of the way which is most certainly a good thing. Mita and Shimoda rock and if you could categorize the match as a glorified squash but Handa and Yukari look credible and they were a whole lot better than I have ever seen. Things flew by so I don’t really remember specifics but there was a bunch of stuff that was enjoyable to watch and Mita and Shimoda win with this great looking Death Valley Driver.

Megumi Kudo (FMW) vs. Yasha Kurenai: Yasha still gives me a nice warm feeling inside but she is like the 69th best women’s wrestler in the world so her matches tend not to be pretty. This is no exception. I will give Yasha credit for trying to have a fast paced match with Kudo but that just isn’t her cup of tea. Plus, her ever present stick is a freakin’ NERF model. Oohh, I’m poking you with a soft stick. But it’s not like Kudo was setting the house on fire either. She mailed everything in, including doing the World’s Gentlest Tiger Driver as her finisher. Highly Disappointing.

Harley Saito/Noriyo Tateno vs. Kyoko and Takao Inoue (AJW): Just so know one is confused, Takao is the thinner, more attractive of the Inoue’s. Kyoko is the round one in the corner. It is very weird for me to see Saito without her bleached blonde hair. This match is really good. Kyoko busts out this freaky Indian Deathlock-Surfboard mutation at the beginning of the match and that will make your head spin. The Inoue’s stay in control for the first 5 minutes or so. Saito swings Mr. Momentum into her teams favor by saving her partner from a clothesline with a leg lariat (a spot that looks a lot better than my disjointed description). The match degenerates into a spot fest but it still is enjoyable. Saito and Tateno hits a sequence that consists of a Superplex followed up by a double splash that was great. Saito takes a release top rope gutwretch suplex thingy from Kyoko to continue to win me over. Stereo tiger suplexes can’t get the win for the Inoues. Then Saito is able to manage a reverse victory roll out of nowhere for the win. This match rocked.

Eagle Sawai vs. Combat Toyoda (FMW)
Now going to the other end of the spectrum. They show the pre-match press conference which shows Sawai sporting a bum wheel and a black eye.  God, this match isn’t good. Combat thinks she is about 250 pounds lighter than she really is as she tries to get all high flying. Remember how I said that EVERYONE does the top rope plancha to the floor. Well Combat does the Out of Control Big Fat Woman with Red Mohawk plancha to the floor. Ugh. Toyoda wins with what is supposed to be some sort of top rope powerbomb. What it really is, is Toyoda just kinda throws Sawai off, flops down on her and gets the win. Bad, Bad match. Let us never speak of it again.

Shinobu Kandori vs. Bull Nakano (AJW) - Chain Death Match
Oh man, this is all sorts of good and brutal and bloody and shit. Kandori comes into the match sporting a bandage over her right eye. Gee, I wonder where she will be bleeding from. There isn’t much to actually describe besides the fact that Kandori and Nakano do their best to choke and bludgeon each other as best as they can. The chain is like 100 feet long so there are lots of interesting hanging sequences that take place. The best is when Kandori ties Nakano up in a tree of woe on the outside of the ring. Or there was the time when Kandori ties Nakano around the ring post by her neck and pulls for all that she is worth. Kandori takes repeated punches to her wound and she goes from nothing to cut to crimson mask in about 2.4 seconds. The camera work is great at catching the horror up close. Nakano just starts to spontenously bleed (well not really, but I missed the spot where she actually did start to bleed) so she gets revenge by dropping Kandori square on her head and then hitting two guillotine leg drops on the chain. Nakano gets the win, gets the trophy and bleeds all over the ring. The match is not a technically beauty but it is really fucking great for a chain match. Get your hands on this one.
 
 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MIKE NAIMARK's REPRESENTING IN THE NINE NINE! ALL THAT MAD PHAT  BONE SHOOT ACTION! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Friends, we are assembled here to repent for our ways of bloodlust and  carnage!  For too long we have gathered here in this shrine to higher  wrestling education only to gawk at the battered faces of men humbled by  fist and by choke, men made helpless by the fistic prowess of other men.  To  this I must finally stand up and shout to the heavens - NO MORE!  Have we  become so jaded by the combative ways of mixed-martial arts that we have  lost touch with our collective feminine sides, doomed to grunt and scratch  our pendulous genetalia and giving not a second thought to the needs of the  fairer sex?  And so it is with nothing but the boundless altruism that is  the hallmark of the Death Valley Playboyz~! that I deliver to you, dear  reader, a tale free of testerone-driven sadism and bearded brutality.  A  tale of eight women, joined by a common thread in a far away land and united  by their collective struggle.  They have assembled for that most important  of reasons: to share their feelings among a circle of friends. Or maybe not...(cue slow bass line)  Because some of these women have other  motives.  They secretly fantisize about the smooth friction of female flesh,  the gentle arousal that comes when two women engage in intimate contact,  free from the harsh judgements of our phallocentric Western social mores.  Stripped bare of their inhibitions, they relish an opportunity to indulge in  their most secret and taboo of fantasies.  They long to release their  stifled passions amongst each other, to set free the inhibitions that have  oppressed their desires for too long.  Yes, these eight women are united in  lust!  A collective, shared lust to..... BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER!   (Kill bass line, cue Van Halen, David Lee  Roth era)  YEAH BABY!!!!  Once again your shootstyle stud-puppet brings you  the breast and brightest of the MMA world, spanning the oceans with manly  emotions and a burning need to see up close the kind of taboo that the  lecherous pervs in the WSEF only hint about!  Eight chicks, seven fights, one big Octagon cage, and sixteen, um, fists!  Welcome to the world of the  L-1 Women's Vale Tudo Open, where the chick with the biggest balls isn't a  hermaphrodite, she's a winner!  Organized by the LLPW promotion of Japan,  this event features some tough chicks and a few 'dojo queens' that can at  least fill out a French maid outfit properly.  Joe Son can't do that! Just so you get the full impact of my chauvenistic leerings, I'll rate each  competator using the extensively tested and highly accurate 'Schwingometer',  in addition to covering their fighting prowess and promotion of origin.  So  what are we waiting for?  Kick up your heels and lets watch the toughest  fighters ever to suffer from X-chromosome poisoning! L-1 Japan Vale Tudo Open, 7/18/95 First Round - Mizuki Endo (LLPW) v Yumiko Hotta (AJW) Two athletic looking lasses from the world of Japanese pro wrestling.  Endo  rates a dismal 'Flacid' on the Schwingometer, sporting thick lats and a crew  cut.  Hotta rates somewhat better, due in part to her 'kogyaru' brown-haired  appeal, and manages a rating of 'Somewhat aroused'.  Endo opens with a quick  shoot, which leads to a grappling sequence against the fence.  The fighters  break, but Hotta quickly presses the action with a snappy left-right combo  that staggers Endo.  Hotta shoots and grabs a waistlock, dragging Endo to  the mat but losing her balance on the way down.  Endo winds up with a rear  mount, so feel free to chuckle suggestively while I wait.....Endo attempts a  rear naked choke....boy this ain't getting any easier, is it?  But the choke  is poorly done, and Endo gets flipped off of Hotta's back, winding up with  Hotta in the side mount, throwing a few short punches to the face before  standing up.  Endo remains on the ground, dodging a wicked heel kick and a  lunging right, either of which would have ended the fight had they landed.  Hotta finally leaps into the guard and proceeds to punish Endo with  clubbing right fists and headbutts; yes, headbutts ARE legal here, so watch  those dainty noses, ladies!  Endo maintains her guard, but is now bleeding  profusely from the nose.  Hotta continues the assault with forearms to the  face, and Endo's nose is literally gushing gore from this abuse.  After  gathering strength for a few minutes, Hotta rears back and unelashes a  barrage of frightening punches to the battered face of Endo, finally  prompting her corner to throw in the towel.  Your winner by TKO at 12:20,  and looking amazingly attractive with blood on her hands, Yumiko Hotta! Michelle Aboro (kickboxing, Muay-Thai) v Svetlana Gundarenko (judo) Oh cripes, this ain't gonna be pretty.  Aboro has competed in Japan under  the name of 'Michelle Apollo', for anyone who cares, and manages a barely  perceptible nudge on the Scwingometer, most likely due to her Brittish  accent.  But Gundarenko takes the cake.  Then she eats it and comes back for  more.  This fighter embodies every negative stereotype you've ever heard  about Russian women, standing a towering 6'1 and weighing an astounding  260lbs.  Clad in a blue gi that resembles a terrycloth bathrobe, Gundarenko  almost causes the Schwingometer to invert and collapse on itself.  Thankfully, it endured.  Aboro opens the fight attempting to stick and move,  a wise strategy when faced with such a Borscht bohemoth.  Gundarenko lumbers  after the smaller Brit with all the grace of The Shockmaster, ignoring  Aboro's leg kicks and plodding steadily after the tiny kickboxer.  Gundarenko finally corners Aboro against the fence and executes a sloppy arm  throw to the mat, where she applies a neck crank from the headlocked  position.  Aboro is left with no choice but to tap out or risk being  suffocated by the enormous Russian's undoubtedly hairy armpits.  Winner in a  mere 56 seconds, Svetlana Gundarenko! Liz Africano (kickboxing) v Shinobu Kandori (LLPW) Hummina-hummina-ha-WA!  Liz Africano sets the Schwingometer to 'Engorged and  Throbbing' with a shapely figure and a face that has never, ever, taken a  punch.  I immediately attempt to locate her over the internet to see if she  needs a partner to practice groundfighting techniques with, but am rebuked.  Oh yeah, she's fighting Kandori, who sports a white gi and a haircut that  reminds me of Elvis.  Sadly, the Schwingometer must be recalibrated after  nearly bursting from overexertion, and no reading for her was taken for this  fight.  Lucious Liz manages only a feeble front kick before Kandori makes an  explosive shoot and drives her to the ground.  Africano wisely flips to her  stomach and turtles, protecting those modelesque features as I nod  approvingly.  Kandori uses strikes to the back of the head to open up  Africano's defenses for the rear naked choke.  Africano lasted a mere 42  seconds in this match, prompting me to consider any number of crass jokes  before deciding to be a gentleman.  Still, Liz Africano can be my dojo queen  any day. Sandra Yurvi (?) v Feini Klue (Muay-Thai) No sooner had I recalibrated my patented Schwingometer then Sandra Yurvi  strides confidently to the ring and small puffs of steam escape from my  ears.  Registering an enviable 'Pole-Vault' reading, Yurvi redeems the  reputations of Russian women after the earlier Gundarenko debacle.  Her  opponent is a frizz-haired Dutch girl who looks to have taken a few too many  wooden shoes to the face, leading to no perceptible reading on the  Schwingometer.  Klue feints a leg kick before initiating a standing grapple,  quickly grabbing a headlock that Yurvi seems clueless (Klueless?) to escape.    She drags her attractive opponent to the mat, then back to their feet,  maintaining the headlock the entire time and peppering Yurvi's forehead with  occasional short rights.  Yurvi goes for the judo hip throw, loses her  balance, and gets zero points as Klue ends up in the mount and attempts to  rearange Yurvi's pleasing features until the referee, a man at heart as well  as in body, halts this potential tragedy at 47 seconds.  Winner, the  nappy-faced Dutch dike girl, er, I mean, Feini Klue! Semi-Final Round:  Yumiko Hotta v Svetlana Gundarenko Hotta opens by emulating the strategy of Gundarenko's last opponent, moving  around the ring and kicking at the legs as Gundarenko plods forward.  Gundarenko attempts some counters, including the slowest front kick I've  ever seen, and I watch Hulk Hogan wrestle.  Big Mama Svetlana counters a  whip kick with a clumsy right cross that lands against Hotta's temple,  staggering her backwards.  Hotta dances and moves away, throwing the  occasional leg kick and letting Gundarenko miss her counterstrikes.  Hotta  gains in confidence, throwing another strong leg kick, but this time  catching a wild left hand square on the forehead, which knocks her to the  mat.  Quick as a hippo in heat, Gundarenko's gelatinous ass is all over the  poor Hotta.  The bulbous Russian actually manages to get the full mounted  position and utterly destroys any erotic connotations that two women in this  position can ever have.  She grabs the neck crank again and heaves her  bloated carcass until Hotta taps.  Your winner in 1:17, Svetlana Gundarenko. Shinobu Kandori v Feini Klue The two fighters circle early, with Shinobu missing a pair of front kicks  but exhibiting excellent form in doing so.  After another front kick,  Kandori shoots for the double-leg (as Royce Gracie did is his first  half-dozen UFC fights), but Klue spins to the side and grabs her dreaded  headlock that she learned from Ed 'Strangler' Lewis.  Or maybe it was Lewis  'Spanker' Edwards from the red light district in Amsterdam.  Who knows?  Klue trows some noogie-ish punches, but Kandori is too seasoned to fall prey  to this, and deftly slips out of the headlock.  Now behind her opponent,  Kandori takes Klue to the mat, attains the rear mount, and gets the  submission with the rear-naked choke in 56 seconds.  Winner representing  LLPW, Shinobu Kandori! Final Match Shinobu Kandori v Svetlana Gundarenko Shinobu removes her white gi for this match, fighting instead in a bodysuit.    The two finalists trade punches early on, with Kandori landing a powerful  whip kick to the leg in the exchange.  Gundarenko misses her counters until  she finally stops countering at all, content to absorb some blows as long as  she moves forward.  She finally gets Kandori cornered against the fence and  latches on to her, shoving her grotesquely swaying breasts into the poor  woman's face and destroying any lesbian instincts she might have had prior  to this fight.  Kandori is literally gasping for escape from these mammoth  mammaries, but every time she opens her mouth to scream to the heavens that  she will quit with her dignity intact, she's smothered by another mouthful  of blubbery boob.  Gundarenko goes back to the only thing thats worked for  her all night; the dreaded hiplock/neck crank combo.  She grabs the headlock  and prepares to roll her massive ass, which is larger than the average  Japanese car, but Kandori smartly sees this glacier-slow move coming and  slips out!  They trade punches, with Kandori landing a couple of stiff shots  in the exchange before missing a wide right hook.  Gundarenko closes the  ground and they grapple until she once again grabs a headlock, this time  taking Kandori to the ground immediately.  Kandori punches weekly from her  disadvantageous position, but she knows she's in trouble as deep as  Gundarenko's navel.  Gundarenko cranks the neck, and Kandori manages to  extract her head from the lock.  But Gundarenko merely retakes the head and  repeats the crank, this time resulting in a tap-out.  Winner at 5:55 and  your first L-1 Women's Vale Tudo Champion, Svetlana Gundarenko! So there's your ultimate female fighting machine, fight fans, a bovine  sumoesque babushka babe from the coal mines of Minsk.  Now don't you feel  just a little bit dirty?

Genki Horiguchi v. Yasushi Kanda: Genki is becoming so bomb-like in THIS- his first year on our little TV screens.  He and the also impressive-for -such-a-young-punk Kanda have quite the rock-solid match, as they basically go all lucha and Lucharesu midgrade for the first eight-or-so minutes- as they almost try to tell a little story and feign whipping out the psychology and shit before hauling out the highspots.  Genki pulls out his Preposterous Gory-Special Lite and also crushes Kanda with a Tumbly Senton thing off the toprope into the ring. Meanwhile Kanda was all old School with the DiBiase Powerslam and Boston Crab before succumbing to Horiguchi's far-more-elaborate-than-one-would-think Rings Of Saturn Thingy.  The impressive thing is that they made the finish all hot and built up the finishers to a logical conclusion.  These two are gonna be good.

Yoshikazu Taru v. Stalker Ichikawa:  I was figuring that this would be a crappy comedy match like their previous match that aired. Luckily, this was actually a lot better- as Stalker showed that he could bring the DEATH with the rest of highspot-addled trainees of the Dragon.  The match starts off unpromising as Stalker gets a Drop Toe-hold in while getting the holy hell beaten out of himself.  Stalker does do the massively freaky "I'm a Dying Insect" sell of a botched Moonsault and we all REVEL in the stupid glory of the TRUE Stalker Ichikawa!  He also pokes TARU in the butt with his three-pronged poker and goes into the WHOLE NEW AREA OF WRESTLING FOR YOU AND ME as he does all these Heinie-hurting moves sprinkled throughout the match and- as they are getting to the finish- it dawns on one that the psychology of the match is that Stalker is WORKING ON TARU's big fat  BUTT!  In-between bringing the comic Ass-pain to TARU, Stalker hits a SUPERBOSS Shiryu Tope that crushes everyone in the audience.  The ending is fun as TARU sells HIS ASS while figuring out a way finally put away the little freak.  Stalker hits huge wads of nifty roll-ups- finally showing that he has real wrestling ability- and TARU finally figures that he can get rid of Stalker by BEATING AND KICKING HIM TO DEATH so he kicks his face in and Gory Bombs Stalker into oblivion.  The pinning predicament ties in WAAAAAAY to closely to the whole ASS THEME of the match and I won't elaborate.  This shit was all fucked up and YOU loved it. 

Magnum Tokyo/Arai/Saito v. Shiima Nobunaga/Sumo Fuji/Taru: GODDAM! THIS fucking RULED! This match was total perfection in the next step that the TORYUMON guys are taking past the basic 1997 Michinoku Pro six-man as this was somehow EVEN HOTTER by the end.  The story of this one is the same as last weeks as TARU and Magnum hate each other- and Magnum smokes everyboy on the entire Nation of Japan in this match as he is ALL THINGS TO ALL WRESTLERS- he is the most spectacular highflyer in the match as he hits a SWANK Asai Moonsault and a motherfucking CHOICE Shooting Star Press for the finish; he is also the Puroresu ASS-STOMPER as he and TARU bring the Stiff and beat the piss out of each other and try to break each others neck in fun and exciting ways.  He was also the perfect Face as he shows his fighting spirit and it burns inside him and stuff.  He's fucking great and he's REALLY fucking great in this match.  The SUBTEXT of the match was that SHIIMa and Arai really hate each other's guts and want to beat the hell out of the other.  Aria shows why he gets the push he gets despite looking like a seedy W*ING audience member from 1994:  he has the headbuttarific offense that will PUT THE ASSES IN THE SEATS! one day- what with the Blind Toprope Diving Headbutt that was set up by GROTESQUELY painful looking toprope Jawbreaker that SHIIMa took like a MAN.   They AAA the SHIIMA plancha and other than that, SHIIMa plays perfect rudo- Rochambeauing Saito and Aria at every opportunity and
making Aria's offense look absolutely TOP-DRAWER.  SHIIMA motherfucking rules too.  SUWAI was all about extending the match- hitting Magnum with a crutch here and knocking him off the toprope with a chair there.  This was a lot of stuff, frantically set out and perfectly placed somehow.  YOU WANT ALLLLL THIS.

Taka Michinoku v. Chocoball Kobe: TAKA pretty much squashes the beautifully named Chocoball- as this is pretty much an excuse for SUWAI to show Michinoku Pro Boy who the REAL PUNK-ASS BASTARD OF JAPAN is- and his name is SUWAI.  SUWAI throws him through a bunch of chairs, busts him up some and holds him while Chocoball gives him the business.  TAKA gets back in the ring, hits a fat ass Springbaord Plancha, killing both Choco and SUWAI and then MICHINOKU drives II Chocoball to his great reward.   I still can't believe Chocoball doesn't have a mask.  First Punch Power and now THIS!

Sasuke/Magnum Tokyo/Tiger Mask/Arai v. Shiima/Fuji/Sasuke the Great/Taru: HEY! This is really great TOO!  It's a lot like the six-man except this seems to have been booked by Shakespeare because EVERYBODY dies by the time it's over.  Sasuke continues his funfilled wild resurgence as he is CLASSIC Sasuke- suicidal in the air, fun on the mat, fun running the ropes.  Arai whips all the highspots I mentioned in the six-man match but he also did a cool Firebird Splash that I forgot to mention in Six-man.  The story of this is that Sumo wants to take out Magnum- so it isn't as fun as TARU and Magnum killing each other, but it does allow TigerMask 4 and TARU to kick the hell out of each other and THAT's something worth seeing.  The match is basically the same as the one above but without the stronger match-ups and cool dual hatred angle- but the added support of Sasuke hitting a P H A T  A S S  Tope Con Hilo and TM4 kicking folks right in the frickin' face made it a big enough change of pace to warrant them showing both of these matches on the same show.  GET ALL THIS cuz IT'S GOOOD.

TONY RIVERA/MR. AGUILA/ANTIFAZ DEL NORTE vs. ZUMBIDO/VIOLENCIA/REY BUCANERO- EMLL Arena Mexico 9/10/99; aired in US 9/18/99- (POGO PETE!) Hey kids, remember when THE BIG TWO thought it'd be kooky and fun if they both tried to run lucha TV shows for their Latino friends north of the border?  You know, before WCW thought it'd be more productive for Sucko Sid to squash two former CMLL Heavyweight champeens at once and the WWF simply got bored with the concept?  I was starting to wonder what happened with that while watching the six guys above TEAR THE ROOF off this mamajama last night.  Rudo caida to start the match as Vio slams Tony on the rampway while Bucanero and Zumbido give Aguila and Antifaz what for.  Rivera tags to Aguila but Zumbido takes him out with a kneecap dropkick and his partners hit an assisted reverse Tiger Driver (Daniels move) to KO him.  Rivera heads back in only for Bucanero (sporting the SWINGIN' 1991 Vampiro facepaint) and Vio to drop him, then to hoist him onto their shoulders so Zumbido can hit him with a springboard dropkick.  Fall ends with the wonderfully absurd triple-pin as Vampanero and Vio grapevine Tony's arms and do a double-gun pose while Zumbido slaps on a figure-four; Vampanero then takes out Antifaz with a senton and Zumbido crushes Aguila with a Gorry Special-into-facebuster combo.  The demolition continues into the second fall as Vampanero toasts Aguila with a tope atomico but the tecs finally take over by booting Vampanero as he tries to slap a scorpion on Aguila.  Zumbido and Vio knock Tony and Antifaz down, only to take stereo Jerry Bumps outside off the inevitable monkey-flips; Tony then hits Zumbido with a tope while Aguila simultaneously hits
his Fuero De Aguila on Vio.  Amidst the carnage Antifaz hits the ICONOCLASM!!! on Vampanero, adds a tornillo elbow and slaps on a leglock for the submission.  Zumbi-zumbi-zumbiDOWski! has apparently decided that just killing himself isn't enough for one match, so he proceeds to take out one of the cameramen off another Jerry Bump in the third fall.  Third fall is a beehive with tons of spots.  Aguila soon ejects Vio, charges the corner and hits an INSANE tope con hilo over the post onto Vio.  Vampanero follows with a rolling plancha con hilo onto Aguila.  Antifaz (wearing the next Highspots best-seller: black Antifaz mask with silver trim) follows with a rolling tope atomico onto Vampanero.  This leaves Zumbido with Tony who quickly slaps on a Gorry Special; Zumbido starts to submit but instead rolls through into a sunset-flip, but the refs don't count it since they apparently thought Zumbido already gave up the ghost.  They let the match go on and Zumbido slams Tony, adding a tornillo elbow.  He heads up top and goes for a moonsault; Tony moves and Zumbido lands on his feet anyway, but Tony instantly hits a Frankenstein for the pin.  INSANELY great match.  Rey Bucanero is going to be CMLL Heavyweight champion inside of 5 years if there is a lucha god... then again, the fact that this made TV should confirm His or Her existence.

GENICHIRO TENRYU vs. KEIJI MUTOH (1998 G1 Climax 1st Round, 7/31/98) (POGO PETE STEIN): Truth be told, I was originally going to review the Tenryu-Yokozuna match from WAR... then I realized that I also had this on tape.  Besides, I'm currently fasting and I most likely would've broken something at this stage if I had to see it.  =/  Tenryu's got such a great gimmick at this point in his career... it's like he's doing a more smug Mr. Wrestling II grumpy bastard from Mid-South with 100 times more attitude and none of the accompanying histrionics.  He's gonna kick your ass, then send you to your room... and he soon drives this point home by taking Mutoh down and kicking him right in the face to some *solar* heel heat from the crowd.  He then walks off with this smug grin on his face, and you can FEEL THE HATE.  Match picks up with Tenryu dropping an elbow on Mutoh's chronically bad knee which pisses him off, and we get a flurry that ends when each guy takes a backdrop from his opponent and no-sells it.  Tenryu takes over with a series of punches that the crowd hates for some reason, then sets Mutoh on top and hits a Tenryu Cutter.  He follows up with more punches, then goes to the chops when Mutoh starts to make his comeback.  Tenryu whips Mutoh to the ropes, but Mutoh rolls through and hits a dropkick.  He follows up with an elbow that sends Tenryu outside then follows with a pescado.  Tenryu comes back by whipping Mutoh into the guardrail and climbs up top, but Mutoh meets him there... the two trade shots until Mutoh grabs Tenryu and hits a Mutoh Cutter TO THE FLOOR.  That's a damn crazy bump for any 48-year-old to take.  Mutoh rolls back inside, only to head back out and dragon screw Tenryu's knee.  Tenryu heads back in at which point Mutoh hits a kneecap dropkick and two more dragon screws.  He goes for the figure-four; Tenryu blocks it, but it's Evil Mutoh in there now and rather than conch it in he sits there and does the Wolfpack thingy with his hand.  He eventually locks it on but Tenryu reverses it and Mutoh breaks it.  The two trade punches and kicks until Mutoh drops Tenryu, then heads up top and connects with a missile dropkick when Tenryu gets up.  Mutoh sets Tenryu on top and hits a top-rope dragon screw then immediately goes back to the figure-four, but Tenryu eventually makes the ropes.  Mutoh whips Tenryu to the buckles and goes for the handspring elbow but Tenryu chops him at Ground Zero.  He hits the ropes only for Mutoh to hit a Frankenstein for a super-hot near-fall.  Tenryu comes back with a lariat and a powerbomb for near-falls, slams Mutoh and comes off the top with a diving elbow for 2 (this is hilarious as commentator Tsuji appears to pull his groin calling Tenryu coming off the top.  Mutoh reverses another powerbomb try into a Frankenstein for 2; Tenryu goes for it again but Mutoh punches his way out of it.  Mutoh goes for the dragon screw but Tenryu comes back with the enzuigiri.  He hits the powerbomb one last time; Mutoh appears to kick out and the crowd goes nuts, but the bell rings and Tenryu gets the win to a "WTF?!" reaction from the crowd.  Great match even with the FUBAR'd finish... Tenryu would go on to have the war with Hashimoto the following day before reality began to set back in for him.

 Genichiro Tenryu v. Jumbo Tsuruta: (PHIL SCHNEIDER). Many consider this one of the top matches of the 1980's. It was certainly damn good, although I prefer the Jumbo v. Hansen matches around the same timeframe. A lot of the body of the match has Tsuruta working from a chinlock, and both guys exchanging STRIKES! The middle of this match kind of dragged although the ending was super-hot. With Tenryu knocking Tsuruta to the floor and hitting a sweet tope, then while Tsuruta tries to get back in the ring, Tenryu splats him with a lariet which catches his leg in the ropes. They go back into the ring for a nearfall sequence, before Tsuruta
KILLS Tenryu with a Paul Wight is too fat for me to lift style powerbomb. People have compared this match favorably to the Flair v. Steamboat match which was the same time period, but I am unconvinced (unless they are talking about another, better Tsuruta v. Tenryu and then I am humbled, don't flame me JDW). The ending was really great and really hot, but the first section was really slow and pretty heatless. They also didn't convey the same sense of drama that Steamboat v. Flair did, although the MOVESET! was of a higher vintage. However this match clearly shows that Tenryu was a top flight worker in his prime.

Genichiro Tenryu/ The Road Warriors vs Steve Williams/Kevin Sullivan/ Mike Rotunda-  1989 Chi-Town Rumble (or something): (RASMUSSEN) I figured that this match would go a long way to explain why Tenryu is a non-entity to the average American wrestling fan while the lesser wrestler- the Great Muta - is considered legendary by most fans of wrestling in the US. The comparisons are quite startling when you think about it. let's compare!
-MUTA: Big push to a TV title feud with STING in after a cool-ass Memphis FIREBALL and GREEN MIST-saturated feud with Eddie Gilbert.
-TENRYU: One Shitty, Ole Anderson-booked PPV appearance as the opponents to the team that lock Sting, Junkyard Dog and Micheal PS Hayes in some kind of fence thing that they all happened to be standing in while being interviewed by the almost life-like Bob Caudell.
-MUTA: Cool entrance with the facepaint and the hood (that load Gary Hart would pull off )
-TENRYU: Basic Silk Jacket that is totally overshadowed by crappy useless Road Warriors' Shoulder pads with spikes.
- MUTA: Several opportunities to get over his fabulously cool-ass-at-the-time Power Driver Elbow, Springboard Elbow and the first Stateside Moonsault ever.
-TENRYU: One dropkick and one crappy Enzuiguiri on the fading Mike Rotundo, seconds before they cut to Doug Dillon trying to cut the lock on the fence-thing holding the late JYD and crew at bay.  The rest of the match is a series of sequences where you get to see RW Animal comically try to sell the arm.  Tenryu is denied the House of Fire, the Donniebrook is listless as he is saddled trying to get PS Hayes to hit him one-ninth as hard as Tsuruta would have, and WCW booking does for him what WCW booking did for the vastly talented Yuji Nagata.
-MUTA: Saddled with fat sweaty useless Gary Hart.
-TENRYU: Saddled with roided-out, no-selling Road Warriors.
-MUTA: TV title and hot Funk Family feud.
-TENRYU: Crappy SHMOZ! as Sting and the boys storm the ring and... then it's over.

Tenryu the more consistent worker is lost to US wrestling obscurity while Muta goes on to become the laziest wrestler this side of Hulk Hogan.  Blame Ole.  Also- Kevin Sullivan ALWAYS sucked. So did the Road Warriors.  So there.

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